Keeping Up/Disturbed/Conflicted – Super Entry

Okay. I’m going to begin with my day.

So, as is the new norm, I went to Astronomy today in the morning. We have a test tomorrow, and went over some studying stuff. Fun class, Mrs. Rumery is really cool… Reminds me of Mrs. Hill, actually.

Anyway, the next class I have is the wonderfully educational Pre-Cal. Today, we got back grades on our DREADED GRADED ASSIGNMENT OF DOOM. That name fits it well. I did pretty bad. A few main reasons: never learned cotangent graphs in Trig (God, that class is still hurting me), and I’m an idiot. Yes, I erased at least one correct answer before I turned it in because I’m stupid. Okay, but after that we learned more about somehting I understand: function operations, including the ever cool “Function Composition” problems (F o G)… Yes, the problems I should’ve learned about in Algebra II but didn’t. I had some homework on them, but it wasn’t all that hard.

Lunch wasn’t that boring today. Freshmen from art class (Brennen) was able to, uh, remove a certain someone and give us some nice peace.

After that happy time, it was Art! Actually, since we started Mola, I’ve found art to be nice, mainly since I had whole class periods to do nothing but talk and ‘work’ with little or no interaction from the Mr. Hill. Mola was due tomorrow… But now it isn’t because he had a ‘dream’ that we should have it due on Tuesday or on Friday. Yeah. Weiiiird. My UFO Alien Ship Thing (UFO AST) is cool. It’s all tin foily.

Grimm times came again as I went to English. It started with a bad grade of it’s own. It seems Mrs. Grimm is the only teacher who can count off points for something we’ve never learned. She’s so stupid. After that, though, all we did was read. We do that a lot in her class, but luckily Dune is getting really good.

Quick Question: Did you know that if something was italicized in a book that you were supposed to underline it?

Okay, anyway, here’s a semi-serious topic I’m going to discuss today, because I feel like I should…

You clicked a link called “disturbed” having no idea what would be under here. That’s sort of scary.

But anyway, I’m going to discuss tanning. Because it irks me.

Okay, I understand getting tanned every once in while for whatever reason (I guess girls just like it, whatever)… But WTF? I’m getting confused by the amount of orange/wannabe brown people who walk around our school.

Who goes to a tanning bed where you mess up your cells so you look darker? It’s so stupid. I mean, I have naturally ‘dark’ skin. You don’t see my going and bleaching my skin, do you? And, no, I never will.

Anyone understand? I mean, what good does it do? I mean, it’s like ‘ZOMG I’M SO HAWT BECUZ I HAEV BROWN SKIN.’

Seriously. Is this a fad? Will it ever stop? Yeah, okay. Enough of that.

Okay, now that I’m done with my semi-serious topic, I’m going to move onto a more serious one, namely a rant. My last true rant was back in Jan. 2005, so I think it’s time for another.

Now, a word of caution: my ‘rants’ are little more than me just thinking aloud (or, technically, into this text box that will later be on my journal)… But that doesn’t mean you won’t understand. But that doesn’t mean you will, either.

Whatever I say under the cut is… Well, it’s just thoughts. If you think it has to do with you (which it may or may not), I don’t mean to offend you or anything. If you think you know what I’m talking about, good job.

I’m not going to say any names (or, at least, any that deal with stuff in the context of my rant)… So yeah.

Here we go.

First of all, I hate where my grades are going. It’s so stupid, it’s driving me insane. I know what I’m doing, I’m trying but it doesn’t seem to be working. I try to study, but that’s never helped me. Maybe I’m just overloaded.

I wish the year would end. Maybe that’s my problem. I’m losing my urge to work, but I’ll still work. I can do it, it’s not that, but I… I don’t know. It’s not all that hard… I don’t know. I don’t know.

That just keeps coming up; what do I know? Very little it seems.

Maybe the problem is that I have to resort to ranting here in this journal. I should be talking to someone, someone my age who isn’t going to call me crazy. Someone who won’t judge me by my thoughts; that is, someone who won’t judge by the very thing they should judge me by.

That just sounds crazy, doesn’t it? And I don’t understand why I’m like that. I want to talk to someone, you know? But I can’t. I don’t feel like I have enough time, privacy… I have’t found a person that won’t judge me. Or maybe I have and don’t know it.

That almost seems rude, but it isn’t meant to be. I just don’t feel like I have enough time to talk to my friends… In private, just talking. Maybe that’s my fault. I don’t know.

Maybe it’s because of all of the IMs… I mean, the only person I can think of that has AIM and lives around here is John… And he’s not on often… He’s going to be leaving as well.

Maybe I shouldn’t rely on instant messages… But then what? We don’t have enough time in school to just talk… We don’t have enough privacy, either.

Maybe I’m just not open enough. I don’t know.

This brings me to something else.

Why is it that so many things have to go wrong? There are so many things I wish I had the courage or the hope to fix.

So many friendships ruined over the stupidest things, without talking… Without really giving anyone a chance. I won’t go out and say it was my fault or their fault or the fault of friends… But that doesn’t matter.

What happened to being able to make everything better, why do so many bitter feelings have to result of something to short and simple, so overly stupid? Why do I seem to feel so little, and yet feel so much?

But that would be too easy…

Who says life shouldn’t be easy, though? Why was it made so that we had to go through such difficulties; why was it that I can’t overcome the anxiety and do what I want?

Is it fear? What is it?

Why? Plain and simple. Why?


About cheshil

College Student
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