I’m going to start this entry now (7:19PM) and finish it later. Whenever that is.
Today wasn’t a good day. Duh. Gasp. Obviously. I prefer not to go into details, if only to keep myself from feeling like a nag, a loser, or some sort of attention whore. I’m all of the above, sure, but self-image should count for something.
When I’m at my worst, I hate myself. I realized that when I’m not at this low, it’s not that I don’t hate myself, it’s just that I don’t acknowledge this hatred. I suppose that’s a positive.
Maybe I have a destructive personality. I don’t know what that means, exactly, but it sounds like me. I can’t stay happy with myself, I second guess myself, I think too much… There has to be something wrong.
I can’t even enjoy myself most of the time. I always have to be doing something. Something to be recognized for. In the end, I hate that recognition, and it goes back into a vicious cycle. Or something.
Maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better by explaining it. Who knows. I hate how I’m never sure whether it’s me at fault or if it’s other people. Does that make sense?
I mean, sometimes (all the time) I don’t know if I’m the crazy one for feeling like this about myself, or if people are influencing it. Am I oversensitive?
There are times when I need people. I’ve referenced it time and time again, but I don’t find myself trusting people easily. I don’t want to bother them with my problems.
I’m sure that’s partially true, anyway. Another part is that I can’t seem to find anyone to trust for long periods of time. It never works out. It just causes a bunch of baggage. Maybe that’s just me exaggerating. Probably, this is some of my own influence on events. Maybe I push people away.
Maybe I see things that I shouldn’t. I take things too seriously, I read between the lines waaay too much, or I expect what people don’t offer. Is that my fault or their’s? Do I ever do what I want in return? That’s not a question I can answer, or even try to.
Maybe I just feel alone sometimes for hollow reasons. Maybe it’s because I want to feel alone, I like feeling vulnerable. If anything, I can say with some certainty that I don’t believe that. But as to why I constantly feel so depressed or stressed or alone? I wish I could answer.
I don’t think it’s other people. I think it’s me. I think I expect too much. I, I, I, I.
Sometimes I need a hug, or a helpful hand or something. But… I don’t think I should always have to ask for it. (7:29PM)